Aging....

Now that I have come to terms with aging I'm not sure that I like it. I'm not sure I like it at all. I realize how different my thinking is now then it was in my teens, 20s or yes even my 30s.

I think less of what I look like in a bikini and more what I look like in my full dress gear and war paint. I recently had to change from eye liner pencil to liquid liner. Something so small; yet so big all at the same time.

I think less about my sex life because frankly there is less of a sex life to think about. I had a dream the other day that was passionate and beautiful and was feeling so wonderful until I was awaken by my beautiful 3 and 4 year old. Yes they are determined I may not have a sex life even in my sleep.

I think less about this moment and more about the legacy I am leaving on this earth. It is not going to be a legacy let by donations and money but a legacy left my heartfelt donations of the heart and shown by the laughter and tears of my children. To date there have been 4 bio, 1 miscarried little peanut and 20 foster. I call that one hell of a legacy.

I think less about so many things and more about so many other things. I'm still not sure I care about this aging thing and I'll continue to lie that I'm 29 forever but I realize that with aging comes wisdom. I'll take that for now.

On October 27th, 2013 I was the exact age my mom was when she died. I thought about this day for a long time. On my last birthday I turned an age that my mom never reached. I'm not sure what I am intended to do on this earth but I need to remember that everyday is a gift. Yes even aging. Hell some people never get that gift.

A week in the life....

If someone had told me 18 months ago how crazy my life would become I would have proclaimed them to be crazy. My life was full (just review my past blogs). Sydnie and Bridgette were busy with volleyball and choir. We had started piano and Sydnie was in band. We had Garden Club and Book Club and then mid-semester introduced Math Club. Fast forward 18 months...today we still have all the above going on but we have a lot more. We now have a 3 month old little girl how has stolen my heart. We have a 2 year old (almost 3) that we are working on termination and adoption who has also stolen my heart. We have a 5 and 6 year old sibling set that as adorable as they are continue working toward reintegration with their mom. These are all good things but keep me thinking... What a week in a life looked like then and now. Now my week is filled with Court, Visits, Preschool Assessments, Dr Appointments, Case Plans, Therapy, PMT, Overnights and the list goes on. I am kept on my toes and most weeks that week is planned by so many other people I don't have much say. In the end though; I wouldn't trade a week, a day or a moment for anything else. My heart soars with their highs and yes it dips with their lows. Last night I talked to G & B who were with us for a full year. The first words they said were "Mommy I love you!" Yeah I wouldn't trade this life for anything. Just check with me at 2:00 am when we are up snuggling. I love each and every one of you. Robby, Dennis, Baby Peanut, Sydnie, Bridgette, Sherrick, Ania, Garen, Brianne, Samantha, David, Mariah, Mya, and all my babies I haven't yet held. I pray the Lord keeps you safe until you are in my arms. Hugs from your Momma!!

Saying Goodbye

I have no idea how this is supposed to happen. How am I supposed to say goodbye to my babies. They are only 3 and 6. They are my children. I have held them and cuddled them and taken care of them for the last year. I have taken them to the doctor, held them after surgery, brushed their teeth, tucked them in, sang to them and said night time prayers. I have dressed them, laughed with them, watched cartoons with them. I have made egg burritos for them, I have made broccoli for them. I have held them and cuddled them and taken care of them.


But yet....Saturday will be the last day that I am Mom. I realize the changes that have occurred over the last year. Their forever parents have done what they need to do. They love their children as much as I do and they have earned the right for reunification. I am truly happy that my babies will be returning to their forever family. My job has been done…

Yet I know that as I fade to a memory these children will forever be a part of my heart. I will wonder about them every day and hope they are okay. I will think of them every night and wonder if they got their bed time songs, prayers, teeth brushed and a hug and kiss. I will think of them every morning and wonder if they are ready for the day. Has G done his homework and is he at school? Will B be a good girl or Miss Attitude?

As I say goodbye I hope they will always know that when they leave my arms a part of my heart goes with them. I love you forever and ever G & B!!

Ouch!! Really!!

For not being a pet lover I have been hoodwinked.  We have a cat, Sunny, who is 6 years old.  We have a dog, Piper, who is also 6.  Piper is a half lab/boxer mix.  She is 50 pounds of love and snuggles.  I really think she believes that she is half cat.  She pounces and runs.  She even talks to us.  That is if you understand dog/cat/human languages that she speaks. 

Recently G & B's dog from home had puppies.  They are full bred Chihuahuas.  We were on the list to get one and lo and behold we got Fred.  Fred maybe weighs 2 pounds.  He is so cute and has me hoodwinked.  I swore I would never dress my dog.  But he is so cute.  I swore I'd never carry a dog around in a purse.  But he is so cute.  I swore I'd never have a dog run the house on my furniture and what not.  But he is so cute.  Yes I have been hoodwinked.

The upside is now that we have Fred, Piper is also getting more attention.  It really is a win/win situation for both of them.  Last night Fred was outside attempting to do his business when Piper let me know she also needed out.  Piper will run each and every time so I put the leash on her.  She was busy being nosey and I was busy talking to a friend from the porch.  Piper was on the 10 foot leash.  Suddenly and this is where the actual events get hazy she took off at a full tilt run.  She pulled me from the porch, down 2 stairs and across the sidewalk.  Now my body is old and sore all the time any way but now I have broken 2 toes, bruised my hip and scrapped my arm.  This on top of bone spurs on the opposite foot and a bruised knee on the opposite leg.  All this leaves me saying "Ouch!"  "Really?". 

Good thing I have been hoodwinked by these very cute loving animals.  Otherwise I would probably be saying so other not so nice words!

Softball, Baseball, Summer, Softball, Baseball, Summer

As summer has come crashing down on the Martins' Home front I have suddenly realized that summer really should be renamed softball/baseball.  We have four kids playing this year; 12 down to 5.  I have to chuckle because the changes that occur between those ages is nothing short of amazing.

Sunday night I took D our 5 year old son to ball practice.  This was his first practice and was nothing short of comical.  The kids couldn't throw which was good because neither could they catch.  One little boy was told to put on his glove.  He did he just put it on his head and played catch with his bare hand.  I laughed because they are so small.

Tuesday night I took Bridgette our 10 year old to ball practice.  At this stage of the game I really don't stick around much.  By now Bridgette has played ball 6 years.  Although I'm sure the first game will also be comical because they are doing kid pitch for the first time.  Actually they were not so much comical as painful to watch.  I realize there is a learning curve but that doesn't make it easier.

Wednesday night I took S our 6 year old daughter to ball practice.  It was a similar practice to the one I witnessed Sunday night.  Although even funnier is the realization when you say "first base" they have no idea where to go.  Luckily we have an amazing coach that realized this may be important and had them running bases.  Even on the T they weren't so sure of batting and they can't catch either.  It doesn't really matter though because playing in the dirt is more fun!!

Thursday night I took Sydnie our 12 year old to her game.  She is the only one already playing games.  We won 15-5.  It was a great game.  Sydnie got to play 1st base for two innings and managed 4 outs during that time.  She hit the ball, she ran, she was amazing. 

As I look back over the last week of Softball and Baseball I realize what summer is truly about.  It's not about the actual game of ball.  It is about being with friends and family.  It's about being outside and playing in the dirt.  It's about having fun.  It's about corn dogs and fries for dinner with a healthy dose of snacks and late nights.  So bring on Softball, Baseball and most importantly bring on Summer!!

Losing My Heart

In the next 7 weeks our little girl; our daughter will be going home to her forever mom.  It will be 10 days short of a year that she has been in my home and slowly became my daughter.  Although she is only 3 she has more spirit then most anyone I have ever met.  She knows her mind and doesn't hesitate to share it with anyone who will listen.  I know I am losing my heart to this 3 year old and her 6 year old brother.  I know that a bit of me will go with them.

B "Mom, I can't call my Mom Heather anymore."
M "Honey you shouldn't call her Heather.  She is your Mommy."
B "But her name is Heather." (Said with quite the attitude)
M "Yes but what do you call me?"  (Thinking I had outwit this creative 3 year old)
B "Mommy.  But you are my Mommy and she is my Visit."

Now I know that this little ball of energy loves her Mom.  I know that her parents have done what they need to get their kids back.  I know that the bond they have is amazing.  But sometimes even knowing these things doesn't stop you from losing your heart.  So for today I am Mommy and she is Visit.  But I also know that someday soon I will be a memory and she will be their forever Mommy.

Gray Hair

Recently I attended my 20 year class reunion.  How all those years have passed is way beyond my comprehension.  I wasn't excited about my reunion until I found out the bad ThunderKat was playing.  I am a personal friend with the band and their wives so I knew that even if I didn't want to associate with my old classmates I would be in good company with the band.  I have to say I suddenly felt so much cooler then I ever felt in high school!!

I had a great time rocking out and dancing like I had no abandon.  Heck I had no kids and we had a babysitter all night...it really was fun.  Throughout the evening and a few (or maybe a few more) drinks we started talking about hair.  This conversation should be quite innocent.  Who can get all down and dirty while talking about hair.  Then we started talking about gray hair and dye jobs.  Okay still pretty innocent and then it happened. 

Julie:  "You know, I notice my gray hair way more in that spot." 
Lorene:  "Which spot?" 
Julie:  "You know on me I notice the gray hair there." 

Okay now I know the spot and frankly I am at a loss as to how to respond.  So I figure if we are having this conversation to jump in with both feet.

Lorene:  "I don't know gray hair there because I don't have hair there."

Needless to say I now know way more about my dear friend Julie then I ever thought I would know.  I know that she doesn't want to shave everywhere because she doesn't want her husband to think she is an 11 year old girl.  She'd rather be a football field then the Amazon rain forest and she thinks waxing hurts like HE--!! 

Yes the conversation was lively, the bad rocked out and thanks to both old and new friends the memories will last a life time.