Aging....

Now that I have come to terms with aging I'm not sure that I like it. I'm not sure I like it at all. I realize how different my thinking is now then it was in my teens, 20s or yes even my 30s.

I think less of what I look like in a bikini and more what I look like in my full dress gear and war paint. I recently had to change from eye liner pencil to liquid liner. Something so small; yet so big all at the same time.

I think less about my sex life because frankly there is less of a sex life to think about. I had a dream the other day that was passionate and beautiful and was feeling so wonderful until I was awaken by my beautiful 3 and 4 year old. Yes they are determined I may not have a sex life even in my sleep.

I think less about this moment and more about the legacy I am leaving on this earth. It is not going to be a legacy let by donations and money but a legacy left my heartfelt donations of the heart and shown by the laughter and tears of my children. To date there have been 4 bio, 1 miscarried little peanut and 20 foster. I call that one hell of a legacy.

I think less about so many things and more about so many other things. I'm still not sure I care about this aging thing and I'll continue to lie that I'm 29 forever but I realize that with aging comes wisdom. I'll take that for now.

On October 27th, 2013 I was the exact age my mom was when she died. I thought about this day for a long time. On my last birthday I turned an age that my mom never reached. I'm not sure what I am intended to do on this earth but I need to remember that everyday is a gift. Yes even aging. Hell some people never get that gift.

A week in the life....

If someone had told me 18 months ago how crazy my life would become I would have proclaimed them to be crazy. My life was full (just review my past blogs). Sydnie and Bridgette were busy with volleyball and choir. We had started piano and Sydnie was in band. We had Garden Club and Book Club and then mid-semester introduced Math Club. Fast forward 18 months...today we still have all the above going on but we have a lot more. We now have a 3 month old little girl how has stolen my heart. We have a 2 year old (almost 3) that we are working on termination and adoption who has also stolen my heart. We have a 5 and 6 year old sibling set that as adorable as they are continue working toward reintegration with their mom. These are all good things but keep me thinking... What a week in a life looked like then and now. Now my week is filled with Court, Visits, Preschool Assessments, Dr Appointments, Case Plans, Therapy, PMT, Overnights and the list goes on. I am kept on my toes and most weeks that week is planned by so many other people I don't have much say. In the end though; I wouldn't trade a week, a day or a moment for anything else. My heart soars with their highs and yes it dips with their lows. Last night I talked to G & B who were with us for a full year. The first words they said were "Mommy I love you!" Yeah I wouldn't trade this life for anything. Just check with me at 2:00 am when we are up snuggling. I love each and every one of you. Robby, Dennis, Baby Peanut, Sydnie, Bridgette, Sherrick, Ania, Garen, Brianne, Samantha, David, Mariah, Mya, and all my babies I haven't yet held. I pray the Lord keeps you safe until you are in my arms. Hugs from your Momma!!

Saying Goodbye

I have no idea how this is supposed to happen. How am I supposed to say goodbye to my babies. They are only 3 and 6. They are my children. I have held them and cuddled them and taken care of them for the last year. I have taken them to the doctor, held them after surgery, brushed their teeth, tucked them in, sang to them and said night time prayers. I have dressed them, laughed with them, watched cartoons with them. I have made egg burritos for them, I have made broccoli for them. I have held them and cuddled them and taken care of them.


But yet....Saturday will be the last day that I am Mom. I realize the changes that have occurred over the last year. Their forever parents have done what they need to do. They love their children as much as I do and they have earned the right for reunification. I am truly happy that my babies will be returning to their forever family. My job has been done…

Yet I know that as I fade to a memory these children will forever be a part of my heart. I will wonder about them every day and hope they are okay. I will think of them every night and wonder if they got their bed time songs, prayers, teeth brushed and a hug and kiss. I will think of them every morning and wonder if they are ready for the day. Has G done his homework and is he at school? Will B be a good girl or Miss Attitude?

As I say goodbye I hope they will always know that when they leave my arms a part of my heart goes with them. I love you forever and ever G & B!!

Ouch!! Really!!

For not being a pet lover I have been hoodwinked.  We have a cat, Sunny, who is 6 years old.  We have a dog, Piper, who is also 6.  Piper is a half lab/boxer mix.  She is 50 pounds of love and snuggles.  I really think she believes that she is half cat.  She pounces and runs.  She even talks to us.  That is if you understand dog/cat/human languages that she speaks. 

Recently G & B's dog from home had puppies.  They are full bred Chihuahuas.  We were on the list to get one and lo and behold we got Fred.  Fred maybe weighs 2 pounds.  He is so cute and has me hoodwinked.  I swore I would never dress my dog.  But he is so cute.  I swore I'd never carry a dog around in a purse.  But he is so cute.  I swore I'd never have a dog run the house on my furniture and what not.  But he is so cute.  Yes I have been hoodwinked.

The upside is now that we have Fred, Piper is also getting more attention.  It really is a win/win situation for both of them.  Last night Fred was outside attempting to do his business when Piper let me know she also needed out.  Piper will run each and every time so I put the leash on her.  She was busy being nosey and I was busy talking to a friend from the porch.  Piper was on the 10 foot leash.  Suddenly and this is where the actual events get hazy she took off at a full tilt run.  She pulled me from the porch, down 2 stairs and across the sidewalk.  Now my body is old and sore all the time any way but now I have broken 2 toes, bruised my hip and scrapped my arm.  This on top of bone spurs on the opposite foot and a bruised knee on the opposite leg.  All this leaves me saying "Ouch!"  "Really?". 

Good thing I have been hoodwinked by these very cute loving animals.  Otherwise I would probably be saying so other not so nice words!

Softball, Baseball, Summer, Softball, Baseball, Summer

As summer has come crashing down on the Martins' Home front I have suddenly realized that summer really should be renamed softball/baseball.  We have four kids playing this year; 12 down to 5.  I have to chuckle because the changes that occur between those ages is nothing short of amazing.

Sunday night I took D our 5 year old son to ball practice.  This was his first practice and was nothing short of comical.  The kids couldn't throw which was good because neither could they catch.  One little boy was told to put on his glove.  He did he just put it on his head and played catch with his bare hand.  I laughed because they are so small.

Tuesday night I took Bridgette our 10 year old to ball practice.  At this stage of the game I really don't stick around much.  By now Bridgette has played ball 6 years.  Although I'm sure the first game will also be comical because they are doing kid pitch for the first time.  Actually they were not so much comical as painful to watch.  I realize there is a learning curve but that doesn't make it easier.

Wednesday night I took S our 6 year old daughter to ball practice.  It was a similar practice to the one I witnessed Sunday night.  Although even funnier is the realization when you say "first base" they have no idea where to go.  Luckily we have an amazing coach that realized this may be important and had them running bases.  Even on the T they weren't so sure of batting and they can't catch either.  It doesn't really matter though because playing in the dirt is more fun!!

Thursday night I took Sydnie our 12 year old to her game.  She is the only one already playing games.  We won 15-5.  It was a great game.  Sydnie got to play 1st base for two innings and managed 4 outs during that time.  She hit the ball, she ran, she was amazing. 

As I look back over the last week of Softball and Baseball I realize what summer is truly about.  It's not about the actual game of ball.  It is about being with friends and family.  It's about being outside and playing in the dirt.  It's about having fun.  It's about corn dogs and fries for dinner with a healthy dose of snacks and late nights.  So bring on Softball, Baseball and most importantly bring on Summer!!

Losing My Heart

In the next 7 weeks our little girl; our daughter will be going home to her forever mom.  It will be 10 days short of a year that she has been in my home and slowly became my daughter.  Although she is only 3 she has more spirit then most anyone I have ever met.  She knows her mind and doesn't hesitate to share it with anyone who will listen.  I know I am losing my heart to this 3 year old and her 6 year old brother.  I know that a bit of me will go with them.

B "Mom, I can't call my Mom Heather anymore."
M "Honey you shouldn't call her Heather.  She is your Mommy."
B "But her name is Heather." (Said with quite the attitude)
M "Yes but what do you call me?"  (Thinking I had outwit this creative 3 year old)
B "Mommy.  But you are my Mommy and she is my Visit."

Now I know that this little ball of energy loves her Mom.  I know that her parents have done what they need to get their kids back.  I know that the bond they have is amazing.  But sometimes even knowing these things doesn't stop you from losing your heart.  So for today I am Mommy and she is Visit.  But I also know that someday soon I will be a memory and she will be their forever Mommy.

Gray Hair

Recently I attended my 20 year class reunion.  How all those years have passed is way beyond my comprehension.  I wasn't excited about my reunion until I found out the bad ThunderKat was playing.  I am a personal friend with the band and their wives so I knew that even if I didn't want to associate with my old classmates I would be in good company with the band.  I have to say I suddenly felt so much cooler then I ever felt in high school!!

I had a great time rocking out and dancing like I had no abandon.  Heck I had no kids and we had a babysitter all night...it really was fun.  Throughout the evening and a few (or maybe a few more) drinks we started talking about hair.  This conversation should be quite innocent.  Who can get all down and dirty while talking about hair.  Then we started talking about gray hair and dye jobs.  Okay still pretty innocent and then it happened. 

Julie:  "You know, I notice my gray hair way more in that spot." 
Lorene:  "Which spot?" 
Julie:  "You know on me I notice the gray hair there." 

Okay now I know the spot and frankly I am at a loss as to how to respond.  So I figure if we are having this conversation to jump in with both feet.

Lorene:  "I don't know gray hair there because I don't have hair there."

Needless to say I now know way more about my dear friend Julie then I ever thought I would know.  I know that she doesn't want to shave everywhere because she doesn't want her husband to think she is an 11 year old girl.  She'd rather be a football field then the Amazon rain forest and she thinks waxing hurts like HE--!! 

Yes the conversation was lively, the bad rocked out and thanks to both old and new friends the memories will last a life time.

My Life

I never intended for this blog to be about my children.  I thought my blog would be about my life and my ponderings...aka...Lorene's Babble.  Cute isn't it.  Instead though as I read back over the last several years I realize that my life and my ponderings are my children.  They are one and the same.

I became a mom for the first time at the ripe old age of 15.  I turned 15 in July and had Robby in August.  Cue 2 years and I turned 17 in July and had Dennis in September.  Life happened and in between raising my boys and earning two college degrees I met and married and man of my dreams, my best friend Tim.  We miscarried our honeymoon baby "Peanut" and then proceeded to be blessed with two beautiful daughters, Sydnie was born when I was 26 and Bridgette when I was 28. 

If you have followed my blog you know that we are now blessed with four beautiful foster children.  We have six kids in the home ranging in age.  They are 11, 9, 8, 5, 2 and 10 months.  I can honestly say that I never planned my life to be a mother but it is something I love and I am damn good at it.  Mary Kay once said that if you love your work you'll never work another day in your life.  I do love my children and I will never say they aren't work but I can't imagine my life being any different then it is right now.

Thank you Tim for sticking by my side and continuing to raise "our" children.  Thank you Sydnie and Bridgette for making the family decision to begin foster care.  Thank you God for being by our side every step of the way. 

Confusion

I have been a Foster Parent for 3 months.  I have biological children ranging in age from 23 down to 9.  Needless to say I've been a parent for awhile now.  I love each and every one of my children and would lay my life down for them.  I love them, each and every one of them, every day of my life.  I can't imagine not having my children. 

Currently we have 4 foster children.  They are 10 months, 2 years, 5 years and 8 years.  I look at these precious babies and realize that out there in this world right now is their parents and they are not with them.  They don't see them on a daily basis, they don't talk to them on a daily basis and sometimes not even on a weekly basis.  I don't understand where you have to be in your life to not have your children.  To have someone else determine you are not a fit parent.  To have a check list to get these children back in your life.

Recently I found out that our 10 month old 8 year old are about to become a big sister and big brother.  I am so confused.  I don't understand how when you have lost two of your children you simply replace them by getting pregnant.  Is it to hard to follow the orders you have been given to get them back?  If it is so hard to get them back should you be allowed to keep this newest baby?

I don't have the answers to these questions and for that I am thankful.  To understand these questions means that I have slipped into that mentality.  Instead I'd rather be the one who these babies turn to when they call out Momma and I'd rather be the one there for them day in and day out.  In the mean time I hope these parents figure out and remember what they have lost before it is to late for them.

Chinese and Karma

I have a doctor's appointment today.  I'm not necessarily excited about this appointment.  I don't want to know what I weigh or how my blood pressure is doing.  I know these things.  I am overweight and my blood pressure and I aren't friends.  I have 6 kids in the house.  Of course it is a little high.  Do I exercise?  I ask if this is a trick question.  I don't per say exercise but I do chase around a 10 month old, 2 year old, 5 year old, 8 year old, 9 year old and 11 year old.  I think that should be an Olympic sport.  Every mom in the world would qualify and somehow every mom would win.  We are the masters of this new art form. 

So knowing I have a doctor's appointment and knowing how it is going to go what do I do.  I order Chinese for lunch.  Yummy Hunan Beef and Egg Rolls.  It sounded good at the time.  I knew Karma was coming up to bite me hard.  I dripped the oil from those egg rolls all down the front of my shirt.  So now when I go to the doctor she has proof that I also eat very bad for me food and also happen to wear some of it.

Who knew Chinese and Karma were synonyms!!

School has started, School has started, School has started!!

School has started, School has started, School has started!! 

Maybe I shouldn't be this excited but we now have a schedule.  Okay as much of a schedule as we can.  We have Sydnie and Bridgette playing volleyball, Battle of the Books and Choir, Sydnie has Math Club and then SAS has football.  Throughout all this we are also working with 2 case workers for 3 family visits a week.  In our down time (okay quit laughing now) in our down time we are still chasing a 5 year old, 2 year old and 9 month old.  I have been asked a lot recently if I am losing weight.  The only response I have is that I don't have time to eat I am to busy chasing one kid or another!

Of course now that school has started what does that mean.  According to the kids it means lets get ready for birthdays and Christmas.  Yikes!  I don't think I can release the joy of school starting to stress over 6 birthdays in 2 months with Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years sandwiched in there.  Lets just go back to my original joy...

School has started, School has started, School has started!!

Summer Time

It's hard to believe that school is starting right around the corner.  We have had so many changes in our lives over the last couple of months that I find it hard to believe that is it is already August.  We had SAS and ALK join us on June 7th and then we had GRC and BDC join us on July 11th.  When I wonder where the summer has gone I have to remind myself that we have expanded our family from 4 to 8 in less then 2 months.  We now have an 8 month old, 2 year old, 5 year old, 8 year old, 9 year old and 11 year old.  When school starts I will have 3 schools and 2 day cares for 6 kids.  My head is already swimming with all of this.

On the upside I know the girls have had a great summer.  We started with a family vacation to Albuquerque.  What a trip it was.  An entire another blog.  Surmise to say that we won't forget that trip for a long time to come.  The girls then did a week long day camp with Girl Scouts.  I took a the week of July 4th off.  The girls did a week long camp with Girl Scouts (Wow was the house quiet...Okay as quiet as it can be with 4 kids remaining at home!!).  The have played softball and swam, visited with friends and to round out the summer we have already started volleyball.

I hope that as they get older they can look back at this summer and say "Remember when..." and do it with a smile.  I know that I will.

Growing Family

When my husband Tim and I got married we had a ready made family.  We knew we wanted a large family started working on that right away.  When our youngest was born we had Robby 13, Dennis 11, Sydnie 2 and our newest addition Bridgette.  At the same time his sister was living with us.  We had no time alone and decided we were done having children.  This decision was the only time we both agreed.  It didn't take long before we wanted more children but the surgery was done and there were to be no more.  We have discussed this decision for years.  We have contemplated reversals.  We have talked about IVF.  We have talked this issue to death.

Back in August we made the decision to pursue Foster care.  We wanted to make a difference in a child's life.  We decided to Foster to Adopt.  Although we love children we had a few limitations.  No children close the girls age (11 & 9), no older boys,  no school age children.  Fast forward to last week and the call came.  We have a 7 month old little girl and an 8 year old boy.  There was no conversation.  We both said yes.  But wait, an 8 year old boy.  That goes against all of our limitation but yet we said yes. 

That day last week was the best decision ever.  We now have Sydnie 11, Bridgette 9, SAS is 8 and ALK is 7 months.  (Due to confidentiality I cannot post our newest additions names).  They are great kids.  I can't imagine not having all of my kids.  I know we are the honeymoon faze but I love them already.  My most sincere hope it the their bio parents figure out how to be great parents and be there for the little ones.  In the mean time I am Mom and Tim is Dad.  We love them and we are on the ride of our life.

Mom I am sharing religion and recruiting!!

The month is May and to just cut through the chase it means it is chaotic.  We normally manage to run through soccer, softball, choir, piano, band, Math Club, Girl Scouts, Battle of the Books, friends, sleep overs, end of the school chaos, etc, etc.  Let me remind everyone we also just got our Foster Care license.  I don't know what they were thinking but they licensed us for 4 additional children.  Keep in mind this would up the number of kids to 6 and a ratio of 6-2.  Hmmmm...have we lost our mind.  Probably!

Earlier this week Bridgette had soccer from 5:15 to 6:30 and Sydnie had softball 6:30-8:30.  Lucky for Mom they were at the same fields.  Yeah!  As Sydnie is warming up Bridgette asks if she can go play.  Sure (quiet time for Mom to read)!  She runs off and returns within 10 minutes with a snack and a drink.  Where pray tell did those come from.  "Mom I was playing with the coaches son and normally he hates coming to the fields.  His mom was so excited because he was having fun so she shared.  Mom I told her that I needed to practice being an older sister for foster care.  She thought that was cool.  Then Mom I told her all about Corpus.  I shared Religion with her Mom and I recruited!"

It was one of those moments when a mother's heart swells with pride and love.  You realize how many things your kids catch because that pure innocence cannot be taught.  So as our schedule gets more chaotic and crazy I can think back to those precious moments and realize that every day it is well worth it!! 

Bad Car Karma!!

I, as a woman, have mastered the art of a self pity party.  MASTERED!!  I claim to have only mastered a handful of skills in this life but I have mastered the party aspect of it. 

Two weeks ago as spring break is approaching and I am knee deep in this self pity mode I get a call from my dear loving husband who is on his way out of town with our girls.  His car has stopped all forward motion.  It is spewing oil under the hood and he fears it is the transmission.  Short story is that he then took my van on vacation and I was left stranded.  In come my Knights in Shining Armor the Fasse's.  They came to pick me up Saturday morning and hauled me around.  They took me shopping, for a pedicure, a parade, to a wedding, out to dinner and back home.  My saviours.

Monday morning I have to go to work and I am still stranded.  In comes my next Knight, Jean.  She gave me a ride to work and even checked up on me to guarantee I had a ride home.

Fast forward to Thursday and we still don't have 2 cars.  In comes my next Knight, the Showalters.  They give me a ride to work and back home and then again back to work again.  Friday night I am expecting a half relaxing evening and weekend.  Que 5:00 and my van won't start.  My husband is at work and I am at work.  Thankfully the last Knights were still around and helped get us at least in the same location.  The fuel pump has gone out.  YIKES!!  We have no vehicles.

Saturday morning we are geared up to get either the car or the van (hoping for both) back.  We are excited to get out the motorcycle for a beautiful ride.  What, the bike won't start.  The battery is dead.  Seriously...the transmission, the fuel pump and now the battery.  Bad car karma!!  To top off the bad karma the van does get done but not the car.  (Seriously this is an entire other blog!!)

Monday morning...they haven't even started on the car yet.  We live in Perry, work in Topeka and our girls go to school in Lawrence,  How are we going to swing this ridiculous schedule I ask you.  Thankfully my Knights haven't ran out yet.  Thank you Laurie Ostronic.  You will never realize how much help you have been.

So 2 weeks later and lots of bad car karma I have realized those self pity parties may need to come to an end.  I realize I have more friends then any one person should be blessed with and God will provide.

Thank you Fasse's, Jean Martin, Showalter's and Laurie Ostronic!!

Difficulty

I knew when I became a mother that there would moments of difficulty.  I never knew those difficulties would one day encompass moments, hours, days, weeks, months and sometimes even years.  I thought having a newborn was hard.  I didn't know how easy that infant was until I had a toddler.  I thought having a toddler was hard.  I didn't know how easy that toddler was until they hit kindergarten and beyond.  School was hard.  I never realized how easy school was until they hit the teenage years.  Those teenage years were hard.  I thought to myself although every one of these stages are hard, surly we are coming to the end of the hard times.  They have grown and matured....er they have grown and now we can become more then a mother/son we can become friends.  Fast forward to their 20s and I realize the last 20 years have been a preview of the moments, hours, days, weeks and months to come.

When Dennis left home at the ripe old age of 16 everyone told me "He'll come home."  He never did.  When he graduated everyone assured me "He'll grow up."  He never did.  When he got married at 18 everyone said "He'll mature."  Yep still waiting.  I continually hear "When he has kids..."  We'll wait and see on this one.  I'm hoping the wait is a long one.

When Robby graduated at 17 and left for boot camp I was happy for him.  We had arrived.  He was joining the National Guard and had a full scholarship for football.  He was happy and I was happy for him.  The day he graduated boot camp he gave us a plaque that read

"Parent's Appreciation Certificate"

Let it be know that

Lorene & Tim Martins

having mastered the art of parenting

by having a child successfully complete

Basic Combat Training

and for being the parents who stood by, watched over, comforted

and guided me down the path to a

successful graduation has accordingly been awarded

this successful parents

Certificate of Appreciation

from

Robert J M Martins

on

August 2007"

Fast forward a couple of years after he has dropped out of college, lived in my basement, been unemployed and then deployed, married and now living in his wife's parents basement.  The 20s are hard.

It hurt when Dennis changed his last name and it hurts no less as Robby is doing it.  I'm not sure how we went from successful parents to the losers they now believe we are but that is where they have delegated us.  It hurts, it's hard and I don't enjoy this.  Tomorrow as Robby gets married for the 2nd time (to the same person) and changes his last name from Martins to Madden it will be difficult. 

I hope they always realize that although times were difficult and will continue to be I'll always be there mom and they'll always be my babies.  I love them even when I question if they love me.  Sending prayers to God for grace and dignity.

Uniforms

As most know my girls go to a Parochial school, Corpus Christi Catholic School.  They love it.  They love their friends, they love the curriculum (as much as a 9 and 11 year old can), they love the school, the teachers, on and on and on. 

The one thing I'm sure they don't love is uniforms.  This is a love thing for me though.  I don't have to argue what they wear.  I don't have to make sure we have clean clothes.  I don't have to keep up with the Jones' on the most current fashion and designs.  No I just have to make sure they have their clean polo's and khakis.  This works for me. 

I remember the first day they tried on said uniforms.  Bridgette loudly announced "Mom I am ugly."  To which I promptly replied "But Baby you will all be ugly together.".  This appeared to be an okay answer for the last two years.  They wear uniforms without to much complaint.  I do hear once in a while; "Mom I wish we had more dress down days."  "Mom I wish we could have a pajama day."  The normal things I would expect to hear.

Fast forward to the beginning of spring.  The warmer weather has broken out the shorts sooner rather then later.  I don't have a problem with the shorts.  I love summer; I love shorts, I love flip flops.  I love the season!! 

I soon realized with the changing of the seasons my dear lovely very beautiful daughter with her 9 year old self would develop her very own style to deal with winter/spring/summer.  All merged into one.  Here comes out of the school my dearest Bridgette wearing a long sleeve uniform short, shorts, knee high Christmas socks and boots.  Oh my...

I do still love uniforms, I love the fact Bridgette is confident and I am left speechless in regards to the uniform!!

Wrestling Mom

It has happened. I don't know exactly it happened. I am no longer a "Wrestling Mom" but now hold the title of "Softball, Volleyball, Basketball and Soccer Mom". I don't consider myself a sports nut but I do love to watch my kids play. The boys always did football and wrestling. We did have a few seasons of baseball and basketball but those were few and far between especially as they got older. The girls on the other hand cover all sports arenas equally. Every season if you ask them they are playing their favorite sport.

Currently we are in basketball season. Both girls are playing through CYO, Catholic Youth Organization. Bridgette has a large team, imagine 14 3rd grade girls!! YIKES!! They need some serious help most of the time. That is another post though. She is enjoying it so that's all that matters.

Sydnie has turned into quite the dynamic player. Last week they were playing a team from KC KS and the other team was a bit brutal. I am manically texting Tim every change in score, every play, every move!! Then with just a few minutes left we lost the lead. With less then a minute left of the game we were down by 1. With 10 seconds left we scored 2 and were ahead by 1. I was screaming and yelling and cheering. All at once mind you. We won, they did awesome, I was so proud of not just Sydnie but the entire team. As one parent said we were more excited then the girls.

Que Sydnie. She walks over to me and says "Way to cuss Mom. The Wrestling Mom came out!" Let me preface this with I did not cuss. I did say "Bull" several times but stopped with just that one word. I may have silently filled in the rest of the sentence but I did not verbalize this thought. But seriously Sydnie, Wrestling Mom!

I do have to say through all my titles "Wrestling Mom" is probably the most exciting. She screams and yells and jumps up and down and the adrenaline is running. Hence is the reason that with my multiple sports personality she has to stay hidden!! For this weekend I promise Sydnie only Basketball Mom will come out.

Momma's Age

I knew when I lost my mom at a young age that I would hopefully live one day to do things that she had never done or to do certain things longer then she was able. Yesterday marked the day that I have been a mom longer then she was. I have thought of this day for months. I know that others (most notably my husband) find this behavior odd but nontheless I have thought of it often.

As I think of my mom I think back to the hell I probably put her through. I hope many things. I hope she always knew how much I love her. I hope she always knows how much I miss her. I hope the teenage years were forgiven. I hope that she would be proud of me. I hope that I never hurt her the way my boys have hurt me. That is the touchy one.

My mom wasn't raised with much affection and even now I reemmber the day her relationship with her parents changed. I was in Kindergarden. My grandparents and my Mom quite speaking to one another. We were raised without grandparents. She was left without her parents even when they were simply miles apart. Mom swore that day that us kids (Me, Travis and Louis) would not be raised that way. She swore we would always know how to hug and cuddle and to always remember to say "I Love You!". She swore we would always know that we were loved. Through all things good and bad my Mom upheld this belief. Then tragically we lost her in 1996.

From that day forward I don't know how but things changed. Small things, big things, everything. Fast forward 15 years and today I no longer speak with my Father and my boys no longer speak to me. How did this cycle reemerge when my Mom swore it would be broken? I wish I had the answer but I don't. All I know is that I miss my Momma and my boys more and more everyday.

My wish is for one day to feel her arms wrapped around me reassuring me it would be okay. I wish for one day to feel peace in regard to my boys. I wish for the day my family is whole and the cycle is truly broken. For today I pray for peace and grace and for all my children born and unborn, those that I have held in my arms and those I have not yet met. I pray that my children will always know they are loved and to know that I am always here. I will be here no matter how long it takes for them to remember.

Ducks and Turkeys or Turkeys and Ducks

Recently we got a new stove. The other one was old and the oven was temperamental and it just didn't get along with us very well. After we got the new stove I was excited to keep it nice and clean. We started putting the cast iron skillets in the oven rather then leaving them on the stove top to avoid to much clutter. Being that I tend to do a million things at once this new behavior hadn't yet clicked with my brain. I turned on the oven and went about my business. Until....

Yes until I started to put dinner in the oven and realized that space was other wise occupied. I started to cuss and thought better of it in middle of the sentence and changed it to "Shit a duck!!!" Now most days this wouldn't be a big deal but this particular day I had an audience of both Bridgette and Tim. They both started laughing at me and wouldn't stop. "Mom how do you do that?" "Does it hurt?" "Mom you are so funny!"

Well I had to admit that it was a bit funny. I mean who ever thought of cussing "Shit a duck!" One comment led to laughter and I told Bridgette I had to check her for ducks. She started laughing and running around, "Don't let Mom check for ducks." When Sydnie got home Bridgette had to share our recent adventure....

Sydnie get very still and in a very serious voice announced "I'm scared." I was on instant alert and asked her "Why?" She replied "I have a turkey in my butt." I had to chuckle. Now we have turkeys and ducks and if they are mentioned the whole household giggles. It is fun for me because they are all ticklish and I am not. Hence I get to check for said turkeys and ducks.

I love my life!