I knew when I lost my mom at a young age that I would hopefully live one day to do things that she had never done or to do certain things longer then she was able. Yesterday marked the day that I have been a mom longer then she was. I have thought of this day for months. I know that others (most notably my husband) find this behavior odd but nontheless I have thought of it often.
As I think of my mom I think back to the hell I probably put her through. I hope many things. I hope she always knew how much I love her. I hope she always knows how much I miss her. I hope the teenage years were forgiven. I hope that she would be proud of me. I hope that I never hurt her the way my boys have hurt me. That is the touchy one.
My mom wasn't raised with much affection and even now I reemmber the day her relationship with her parents changed. I was in Kindergarden. My grandparents and my Mom quite speaking to one another. We were raised without grandparents. She was left without her parents even when they were simply miles apart. Mom swore that day that us kids (Me, Travis and Louis) would not be raised that way. She swore we would always know how to hug and cuddle and to always remember to say "I Love You!". She swore we would always know that we were loved. Through all things good and bad my Mom upheld this belief. Then tragically we lost her in 1996.
From that day forward I don't know how but things changed. Small things, big things, everything. Fast forward 15 years and today I no longer speak with my Father and my boys no longer speak to me. How did this cycle reemerge when my Mom swore it would be broken? I wish I had the answer but I don't. All I know is that I miss my Momma and my boys more and more everyday.
My wish is for one day to feel her arms wrapped around me reassuring me it would be okay. I wish for one day to feel peace in regard to my boys. I wish for the day my family is whole and the cycle is truly broken. For today I pray for peace and grace and for all my children born and unborn, those that I have held in my arms and those I have not yet met. I pray that my children will always know they are loved and to know that I am always here. I will be here no matter how long it takes for them to remember.